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Should you ever forgive a cheating boyfriend/girlfriend?

If no, why not? If yes, why and under what circumstances?

87 ANSWERS

Claire J. Vannette, dates and has relationships

50.9k Views • Claire has 470+ answers inRelationship Advice.

Claire has 42 endorsements in Dating and Relationships.

Should you forgive a cheater? Sure. It's good to forgive. When the hurt and anger are really intense, it might not be possible, but ideally you let go of the hurt and anger as time passes. 
 
Now, whether or not you should remain romantically involved with a cheater is a whole other question. Forgiving someone who has wronged you doesn't necessarily mean keeping them around so they can wrong you again. When deciding whether or not to stay or get back together with a cheater, I suggest considering:
Do they take total responsibility for their actions? No hedging, no excuses, no "Well, see, I was super drunk ..." and absolutely NOTHING that suggests YOU are to blame for the cheating.Do they understand why they did it? Not just why they had sex with the other person, but why they were willing to have sex with the other person knowing that it would involve lying to you and breaking a promise. Do they like the thrill of being bad? Were they trying to sabotage themselves? Did they feel trapped somehow, like this was the only way to have enjoyable sex? Did they sincerely believe this was the best of several bad choices? There are lots of possible motivations behind cheating.Do they have a plan for not doing it anymore? To me, a promise without a plan is meaningless. "I'll never cheat again, baby, I swear" is much less persuasive than "The next time I feel tempted, I will think about what I really want and discuss that with you."Are they willing to rebuild trust? Sometimes, when people have lost your trust, they will resent the fact that you don't trust them anymore. That's a recipe for disaster. Of course, on the flipside ...Are you willing to rebuild trust? Sometimes, when people have lost your trust, you sayyou're willing to trust them again when you really aren't. If you're going to become super controlling and paranoid, just end things.Unfortunately, there can also be practical considerations like "If our relationship ends, will I have a roof over my head?" Be really clear with yourself about those things, and if you decide to stay because of something like that, immediately begin working on a plan to address the logistical problems so you can leave.