Fun Chapter

It was just one of those YOLO moments where I have decided to choose my happiness over anyone else's.

I know you must hate me and might actually be calling me a bitch, that's fine.  But please continue reading till the end. This will make things clear.

We only found each other's company comforting at that time when we were both broken from our relationships.

We're both single, or so I believed.

I knew it was wrong, even his family is against that budding relationship or whatever inkling of feelings we had for each other during that time.

Silly, and it was even laughable since nothing is really going on between us. None.. and we've made that clear with each other.

He is also best friends with my ex, which apparently is the main reason why they wouldn't like me for him.

A lot of complications are in place, and I knew that there's no point in fighting for it. He's an island away.. there's just simply little to no chance for any of it to move forward.

Plus, there's you in the equation. I knew he loved you even from the beginning. That was even how we began the conversation in the first place. We started off by sharing and venting out each others miseries and frustrations sang amun love life. And I can tell he's really affected sa inyo duwa.

And from what I learned you will always be that one person who's left a great impact in his life and that's just something that we could not overlook.

You're legendary.. you're the only girl who broke his heart and at the same time it's also with you whom he has found his happiness. His one true love.

I'm just thankful that I got to know him for a brief moment, it somehow helped me to move on and become stronger. He's a really great friend. Please take good care of him.

He's always been yours, I have no intentions of changing that or taking something away from you. You two have been through a lot.

You deserve each other.

Peach, I'm deeply sorry if you somehow felt betrayed, I know that photo came out as a surprise.. I would have felt the same if I were in your situation.

I know how it feels kung pano maagawan and that's something I'll never do to someone who is committed.

So when I realized everything's no longer the same, I backed off. I decided I should not continue pushing for someone who's no longer there. And when I saw you got back together, I decided to end initiating any contact. Hope this clears up anything in your mind. I respect your relationship.

As far as I could recall that same day when that photo was taken, I was still dealing with closure issues with Dexter kay nagpuli man sya... That was just a friendly hangout upod ang tropa.

(I even can't remember when he took that photo, I was too drunk to remember)

Sometimes we just have to trust our partner. Digging up for any evidence that will bring you doubt will only inflict damage not on him but on you. Everything will just pile up and it will eat your brain, and that's how you become paranoid. Just chill.

Anyway, if you still have any questions, issues or if something's still bothering you, I feel that you should talk to him.

I'm writing this coz I don't want any conflict especially with you kay may pinagsamahan man ta kahit papano..

Well I've come to think of it... I shouldn't really be sorry for anything. There wasn't anything.. All I know is that I have him as a really good friend.  The only thing I did wrong is that I allowed for us to get too close that the people around just assumed otherwise. So that's what I'm sorry about.

His family assumed, the hell I know if his friends also assumed. There were issues that came up, I don't know how he explained it to them.

Ok man lang ko and I don't feel nga naintoan ko this time since I didn't really think of it as something beyond friendship.

The Queen

The Queen

It will serve as a reminder for me to hold on and keep my faith knowing that I deserve to someday, find someone who would treat me as a Queen.

Someone who will see beyond my flaws and insecurities, someone who will appreciate me and love me for who I am and not try to change me for who he wants me to become.

Someday I will find someone who will love me deeply, more than I can ever love him, that I would not have a choice but just do the same and I would finally be able to say that I have found "The One."

For now I have placed myself in a high pedestal, no walls needed be built, as I want them to see my stone cold gaze and numbed heart so only those who are worthy can get up and reach me.

I wonder how your conscience can take it and how you can sleep soundly at night knowing someone can't stop thinking of your betrayal and cries herself to sleep.. I wonder what guts you have to stay in a relationship with that girl at the same time knowing you're not being honest with her.. it may sound nga bitter ko pero kung sa iya ka lang japun dex, daw ka wrong gd ya.. I'd rather stay single rather than keep living with the same reason why I hurt someone. Indi naku ni ka gwanta nga cge communicate cmu. Madula lang ko guro danai sa life mu dex.. kasakit pa b japun. This is another attempt to not communicate. Kadlawi lang kay nagligad naghambal ko nagreply ko japun cmu. This time,I'll try my best not to. Just let me know if you're ready to talk kung ari ka na di.

Update: Due to some understimations and a wrong move done, another kind evil thought crossed my mind for revenge. And this is how I came up with this long epic story..

Although right now I can somehow sense the guilt creeping in, this is the only way I can let go of him. I'll just keep reminding myself that I am doing it for the good of the both of us.

An Attempt to Forget

I do not deserve to be treated that way. If he values me and respects our relationship, he will be mature enough to stay away from any diversions.

He does not love me just as much. The fact that he was confused with who to choose at one point, it only means he does not fully love me anymore.

It may sound that he regrets being in this situation, but I should not be fooled. He never even thought about the consequences that his actions may lead him to.

Its painful knowing I've been cheated, I know. What's good about this is that I'd get to practice my sarcasm, I'd become more productive, creative and I could focus on myself more.

What just hurts me the most is the fact that I trusted him wholeheartedly only to be broken by the very person I gave it to.

What also haunts me are the thoughts of possibly having a future together and just because of a careless decision, all of a sudden it's all gone, and nothing can ever be done to fix it.

I just love seeing him suffer. I'd love it even more if I could teach him a lesson.

Somehow, I would love this story to turn out the same way as John Tucker Must Die...or that Cameron Diaz movie, The Other Woman. He'd get what he deserve someday.

Again, reminder to self, he does not love me, I doubt if he ever regrets the ending of our relationship since he still has another girl waiting for him, staying with him all this time while I handle this alone.

If he says he's sorry, I now learned it was not for repentance. It's merely sorry for hurting me for his actions which were in the first place was his selfish choice and I only happened to be a victim.

Remember, I am all alone. He moved with another, I gave up. It was a choice. It couldn't have just happened. Everything happens for a reason. He has his own reasons.

There are way more hot guys around. I should not even think twice about leaving him.

He's lacking some height for a girl as tall as me.

He was always trying to change me. Mold me into the girl he envisions. I always felt like what he's looking for is a trophy girlfriend who he can brag among his friends and that boost his ego. Such an egotistic retard!!!

I dress chic. I am not cheap. I will not stoop down to that level.

Like poles always repel. We are these magnetic forces always clashing with pride and attitude. He's demanding. I'm headstrong. We cannot always agree on anything.

I don't feel butterflies when I'm with him. No such element exists in our relationship. No sparks fly anywhere. It's just the peaceful and calm feeling I get when hugging him.

It's mostly sexual. We are both agressive. All I think about when I'm with him is sex. Where is the love in our relationship?

He's insufficient. I'm insatiable. I could not live with only one round. I should have atleast two.

He can't find my G-spot. Only I know where that is. I only orgasmed once in the 29 months we've been together.

I want something longer, harder.

I am open for anything. Any position. He's just too conservative to explore other options.

He always points out my flaws. Because of that, I always endure self pity and low self esteem. He should  have been someone to tell me I'm beautiful.

I never heard him sincerely show his appreciation for me. All I hear is him mocking me for every flaw he sees and unless I tell him to, he would never say truthfully that I am beautiful. Unless I start saying it, he wont tell me 'I love you.'

He's always irritable. He always scolds me for whatever reason he could find. He always finds a reason so we can start arguing and have a small fight.

Because of these things, I always come to thinking, "Why am I still with this guy?"

He's an egotistic, self-centered, insensitive, insecure, conceited, bragging, short-fused, controlling, heartless USER and since I'm of no use and he's busy with his new project, he will just put me aside and forget we ever had special moments together.

There were several moments I could recall finding myself wanting to get out of that toxic relationship.

And now I'm free, thanks to him for paving the way, I should find someone who would love me more than I love him. Someone who would treat me as his queen. Someone who could see my worth and remind me everyday how thankful he is to have me.

I deserve someone better. Someday, I'll be appreciated and God will bless me with that person whom I can finally say is "The One".

An Open Letter to my Ex's New Girlfriend

Hi,

I never knew you. I doubt you'd ever know who I am. We'll just be these nameless girls we already are in each other's life.

But first, I want you to know that I don't blame you for anything. You never knew. It was the asshole of OUR boyfriend - who can't set his timeline straight - who was the one to blame.

I'm writing this letter to tell you a story.

No, it's not to break things off between you two, but to remind you to always be careful and remember to love yourself.

We met at a very unexpected time.

Karma really does strike back and now I believe it.

Would you believe that we met through the introduction of my previous boyfriend whom I never got closure with?

Now I realize I hurt him a lot for leaving him in the dark when I began a relationship with our guy. The betreyal, the pain, I know I hurt him a lot.

But I still went on. I was comfortable, I was happy. All the effort and time that I never got from my past relationship, he gave it to me.

But deep in my gut, I still feel the love we shared was temporary. I just didn't belong with him. I knew whatever we had is something borrowed.

Until I began opening my eyes to the possibilities of having a future together. I decided and convinced myself that he was now my reality. And magically, it just happened. I fell in love.

It's not about all the good things that I see in him but as well as those things that I hate yet I still accepted. I turned a blind eye on his hot temper, his not so tall height, his oily face and pimples and his tiny..... just kidding, nevermind.

But beyond all those, I loved him for being a good son. I can see how he really loves his family...I knew he loved them more than me. Which is why I know he values being accepted by the family of the person he loves. In that case, he found that in you. :) Sadly, it's just something I don't get to have a control over.

He's also a very thoughtful guy. Though money-wise, he's really practical. He'd rather spend money on food, rather than buy roses to please you. But that's not a flaw. We should understand he's working hard for his future and he's just wise to know the value of what he's worked for.

Overall, he's a kind-hearted individual. He may hide behind his mask of an arrogant and proud tough guy, but behind it, you'll see his sweet golden heart.

I wanted to write and list down everything I should hate about him yet I always go forgetting it, especially these days when losing him is the most painful thing that ever happened. Maybe its my way of coping with the situation. I'm just holding on to the beautiful memories that it overshadowed all the negative things I was seeing in him during the time when I felt like almost giving up. You'll definitely appreciate someone's worth when you've already lost them.

So promise me girl, don't hurt him even more. Make sure he gets the love that he deserves, understand him in his weakest moments and love him wholeheartedly for who he is. And if you're having doubts, remember he's a beautiful person inside and I loved him just as that.

For all the memories and the lessons I learned, I am so grateful I got to experience having Dexter Calamba in my life.

He's worth it.

..so moving on..

That morning, te amu na to.. Prepared naku sang anu ihambal q..nalista ko na para indi ko malipat.  He was texting me asking for forgiveness kag to start over..Although Im still scared kay basi indi na kami mag happy ulit after all that happened, I told him that we still have to talk it out since this is the only way that we can be totally healed.

Saturday morning, before I went to sleep,(kay call center ko, may duty gab'e) I still can't stop thinking. Mabalik ko or indi? Mabalik or indi? Pero deep inside, feeling q man japun magbalik.

I even asked for an advice from Mr. Francis Kong, if anybody here knows him, he's a motivational speaker with great words of advice sa love. I messaged him in fb and nakibot ko, he replied!

"God is the God of second chances. We all make mistakes. Is his repentance genuine and can he really put it in his heart that in the eyes of God and men he would not allow himself to commit the same mistake? If this is so then the experience will only make him stronger and you should never use this against him. Time and track record will tell and this is why we all need God's Grace and power to stand against temptation."

I was still in shock that the man I highly look up to replied, sa kadamo damo sang followers niya sa fb, he still has time to read his messages and give an advice to a person who he does not even know at all.

Te hibi hibi naman ko eh, but isa naman ni guro nga sign. I felt relief after that and I decided to give a second chance.

He came back last Saturday afternoon. He fetched me at home, siyempre suplada mode ang drama.. Kuno abi bitter ko japun. Haha.

We bought dinner and went to his house. We did some things, while I maintained my not so friendly attitude.. Siyempre dapat makita nya nga sakit man mu..

And then after that, we cuddled. I started asking him, "Ano gd to natabo haw? Na anu gd to haw?"

I was wanting him to tell me all the details. Why he did it, how it happened, was there flirting involved? How can we avoid? Do I have something wrong in me? I have so many questions..

And then he told me,

"Ginhambal ko lang to kay pirme na ta daan wala ga inchindihanay, kung hambalon ka katig'a man cmu.. Kay sulit sulit lang.. Natak'an lang ko sang amu to nga time kag amu to napinsaran ko nga para breakan mu nalang ko. Galing kay wala, gin forgive mo ko. "

In my head, 'liar! Ginlain nya naman ang storya hu. Ginahambal mu lang na to cover up your story para ma avoid nga storyahan ta to..'

I don't know what to belive in now. I am so confused. This is not how I expected our conversation to turn out. I was imagining maala-ala mo kaya... Isang tanong isang sagot.. We reconcile and cry and forgive and love again. My imagination did not match reality. So my questions... Ang gin lista ko.. Panas tanan. Indi naman q kapamisar..

He continued, "sang amu to na realize ko.. Indi ko man gali kaya madula ka. Din paku na kita amu na to hambal ko na forgive mo pa ko. Kag sang wala pa ko.. ga trisikad palang ta (magdul'ong ko cmu), ara ka na, sang naka motor ko, ara kaman japun biskan la ka ginasugtan mag angkas, upod kaman japun. Subong (nga naka work ko kag may car) ara ka man japun."

We laughed.

"Kung mangita man gd ko iban hapus man lang na sabton ko kay may ara ko subong pero kung madula ni bi. Ikaw halin pa sang una sang wala gd ko ginbaton mu man ko. Ara ka lang japun"

I realized he has a point. Sayang ang moments and the memories we shared kung i. let go ko lang ni..

So even if I'm not quite convinced if the original cheating story was true or not, I totally decided to forgive and forget.

If he really did it, then so be it. He learned his lesson and realized what he truly valued.

Now we're back together and he'll come home again next week. Continue ang happy moments. :)

Warped Perspective

My views of this world have now been distorted by all the lies and deception.

For real, this is much worse than being told he cheated.

I don't know what to believe in now.

I can't seem to trust him any longer. And for all that happened, I kept my mouth shut - still not knowing how to go out and express my rage. I'll just keep this burning within.

My smiles, I'm now learning to fake them. But soon after, they're followed by heavy sighs.

I'm just soooo confused. Much too confused than I ever was.

I was out of sorts and hearing another story from him left me disoriented.

It has simply established my trust issues. He might have told me the new story to cover up and avoid talking about what he told me at first.

Yet I'm not sure if he's telling the truth this time. If he did, it still pains me to think I am the one at fault afterall and he allowed me to endure it for the entire week. How cruel has he been.

He kept telling me he loves me, but what kind of love is it that demands of me to change?

Shouldn't he have accepted me for who I am at the beginning of the relationship and not look at me as a work in progress? I am stubborn and rebellious. Has he not realized that all this time? Had he changed his approach and inspired me to change, I would have willingly accepted and took the challenge.

Everything has now been negatively distorted in my mind. I can't find a ray of enlightenment in this current situation.

I can't find it in my heart to trust him anymore. I'm broken. More broken than I ever was.