Georgia's World

I was thinking a lot about how to get this all out. So help me Lord.

I met him through a mutual friend - my Ex, who I still hang out with even after years from when we broke up.

I always thought our relationship was perfect. He was a spontaneous, funny, loving, caring, adventurous and a family-oriented boyfriend.

Although he always scolds me for my outward appearance of being plain and my out-of-date fashion, I still appreciate his concern. Yet this really seems to be the common conflict in our relationship.

I never have gotten used to wearing shorts or dresses outside our home. But due to his insistent encouragement, I am slowly getting comfortable in my own skin.

I have reasons for not wearing anything that would show my legs. Part of it would be my scars. I resent them and thought they are ugly.. Damn mosquitoes and sensitive skin! Another reason is that I hate cat-calls. I don't want to go home alone uncomfortable of people seeing a huge chunk of my skin through my legs. I am an average tall girl, so when I wear shorts, I'm afraid some bad guys may have an idea. I'm just trying to avoid that, so I refuse to go out alone wearing something seemingly provocative.

He always tells me to take care of myself and I did. I tried hard. I started doing what he suggests, wear shorts - just like the other girls, update my wardrobe, even took gluta just to make myself white. Its what  he wanted and I'm feeling he was molding me to become a girl he would like - as a display. Maybe not exactly his intentions but he was too demanding of how I should dress and wants me too look a certain way --- just like everyone else.  I thought of it as horrible as it was interfering with my own sense of style but I accepted it. I accepted who he was. I love him.

I don't know why but no matter how many times we argue, my heart just melts and can't stand not forgiving him.

Wel,  this is not a story about how I loved this guy. This is about how one night of giving in to temptation could ruin our happy relationship.

We used to hang out a lot sang ari pa siya ga work sa Bacolod. Early this year, he was assigned to Dumaguete and this is where all it started. We set arrangements, he will come home once a month, on the second month I went on a trip there to spend Valentines.

Little did I know that will be the last time I'll ever be genuinely happy with him. He came back last week. He talks about my looks again, that I'm not taking care of my skin. We had dinner that night and it just ended horribly for him seemingly pointing all the fault at me and asking if Im finding it difficult given our distance.

The next morning I went to his house and slept. We even had sex that day but I felt something was off. Later that afternoon, he dropped me off our house and I woke up to the horrifying text..

"Ga, indi ka nalang mag leave sa 19 and 26"

These dates are what we planned to have sleepover and do naughty things couples do.

I asked him why and he was giving me alibis, again because of me. I am more of a writer rather than a vocal person. I explained that I've been trying hard to take care of myself and all the things I do to be pretty for him.

He suddenly replied,

 "Ako may problema ga.."

I thought he was talking about his own attitude but it turns out it is something worse.

He caught me off guard.

He went to our house later that night.

We talked about how difficult it's been to not be staying together. For being too far away from each other. He explained how his father was already asking for a grandchild.. And to think it's just a few years since we got out of College, I can say it's too early for us both. He was thinking of me too and my 2 younger siblings and as he spoke, I saw pain. He kept saying, if only I had a child to look back to... He told me, he was finding it really difficult being away from me and he was getting tempted and might just fall onto it if this continues.

Then all of a sudden he sobbed. I saw streaks of tears rolling from his eyes..while repeatedly saying...
"May sala gd ko cmu ga... " :(

I somehow knew where this was headed and began, "May iban ka na?"

He said no and as I kept pushing for him to tell me what it was, he whispered, "nakatandog ko iban nga bayi..kag basi busong to kay hambal ko pasulod, pasulod kuno."

Ooops! That hurt. A bit. I mean a lot, but I mean Im in shock. He was crying...so there's pretty much nothing I did. I stood there, beside him, feeling pity for our demise. We were both miserable for what happened. All our dreams together, shattered, our once innocent and happy relationship, broken. I was crushed. But I can't react violently. I felt like I was the strong one for having maintained my temper. He kept assuring me, "Ikaw ang palangga ko.."

Apparently out of guilt, he told his mom about it and her mom, pushed her to tell me or she will tell me herself. "Palangga ka ni mama, sang family ko, "

Was he finally realizing his mistake?
"Huya huya gd ko cmu ga.. Ka gago b sakun. Nagpadala dala man."

After a few useless questions I found out it was over beers with some girl who was a client from work. He's a salesman with good PR..apparently with bitches. Fuck. It really hurts to think about.

 It was a really tough situation, remembering our plans together when the right time comes and the years we spent and memories we shared.  It must be the temptation that caught him in that situation. I wonder what came into me, I never got mad.. I never shouted at him for being so weak. Instead I found myself consoling this person who wronged me for crying over his mistake. Besides, what's done is done, I can cry and cry but it will not take back what already happened. I can never imagine how graceful I accepted the news without getting wild. My friends find me stupid and kept reminding me of how unforgivable his mistake was.. But deep in my gut, I can feel his apologies are sincere. I pity him for feeling he cant forgive himself when I'd already done so, as soon as he confessed.  I've been reading about relationship testimonials and counsel advices online, and I've read that we can still find healing only if we talk it out and face the issues. I don't plan on leaving him, hoping he's learned his lesson from this crisis. Apparently couples who survive this came out stronger to face trials together. Maybe it's just a wake up call or an opportunity to open up with one another. Will that be even possible? Or once a man has cheated, he will forever be doomed to be one? He accepts that it was all his mistake for falling into temptation and for not being contented with what we have and admits he has realized it was a big wrong move that has ruined the relationship he valued.  I'm just worried we might not be happy again even if we got back together. Should I give just one more chance? Or shall I let this go altogether?